The thing about hard times is that they all eventually pass. The other thing about hard times is that they aren't a competition either. The loneliness and isolation I felt as a first time stay-at-home mother in a new country, is different to what I felt during lock down. What I felt "sheltering-in-place" was very different to what key workers went through. What we did have in common was strength reserves. We have mechanisms for getting through hard times. And we do. This blog post is a bunch of reminders for things to try when your reserves are feeling a little low.
1. This is Really Important: Reframe the Situation
Words matter - we saw this during Covid when we were in "lockdown" which made us feel locked in prison. What we were actually doing was experiencing a raahui - a temporary restriction for our protection and the protection of others. The term "social isolation" was wrong, we were physically distant from people but we were still connecting with friends and family. We were actually in" aahuru mowai" -safe haven. When we use words that make us feel safe instead of threatened our nervous system relaxes and our subtle alarm system lowers its guard.
2. Look for the Silver Linings in the Experience
Can you think of three positive things that have come out of being at home for such a long time? I'm not going to list all of mine here but one good thing for our family in 2020 was the amount of time we spent together. I played more with my children on our daily exercise outings than I ever had before.
3. Hack your mood
A good mood creates a positive bias to overcome the flow of negative information we might be getting at the moment. To help to get yourself into a good mood you can remember a moment that made you very happy. Draw in the colours, the smells and the temperature of this moment to recreate this emotion vividly in your mind. You can also think of your favourite food and the emotions eating this delicious meal creates. You can repeat words that make you feel happy such as ‘joyful’, ‘laughter’, ‘giggle’, ‘sparkle’ and ‘smile’ to yourself. Or, you can look at comic books, tell jokes or share memes with friends and family.
3. Keep it Simple.
Our brains get very overwhelmed adjusting to big changes. Sustained attention and big projects are pretty ambitious. It may feel easier to do small scale things throughout the day. Include something creative; something that connects you to someone else; something productive, and some self care. As Matt Haig writes "the tea seemed to be making things better. It was a hot drink made of leaves, used in times of crisis as a means of restoring normality." What restores normality for you? Do that thing. Daily. Here's a BINGO sheet that I've used for my kids over summer when they have moments of "what now?" in their structure-less day.
4. Be Kind
During a crisis, the people who cope best are those who help others. Supporting others is thought to help buffer our bodies against the effects of stress. A five-year study of 846 people in Detroit found that stressful life events appeared to take a greater toll on people who were less helpful to others, while helping others seemed to erase the detrimental physical effects of stressful experiences.
There is so much research backing up how good giving is for us. It is thought to lower stress and blood pressure, increases our sense of well being and it bolsters connection with community. Kindness is physical proof that there is goodness in the world. Being kind is also a chance to get outside of our bubble of self awareness to find meaning and purpose in something bigger than ourselves.
New Zealanders were called to Be Safe, Be Kind in their response to Covid. I love this response so much.
5. Be Grateful. So Grateful.
Being grateful makes us happier, gives us perspective, and brings focus to how much we do have, instead of what we don’t. Every day I feel grateful for my health, for my family's health for the safe haven of our home. I know a woman with lung cancer who feels grateful for every free breath that she takes. Can you imagine being grateful for your breath?
6. Scan Your Body
Take a minute every day to check in with how you are feeling, physically, emotionally and energetically. Stay with your breath and notice, accept and observe how these elements change day by day. Thank them, accept them and let go of how you are supposed to feel or act. Change requires a baseline, how are you to release tension if you don't know that you are feeling it? How do you release sadness if you don't acknowledge what you are feeling? Also our body is constantly communicating to us, take a moment to listen to areas of tension, these are whispers asking us to stretch and mobilise. If we don't listen to them they become shouts of muscle spasms and pain. No outside person has our physical experience and so change has to come from us.
7. Affirmations
Sometimes you need to hear a reminder that you have got this, that you are strong, that you have the skills to make this work, that you have been through hard times before and you will get through this one. My go to affirmation is: "I have fantastic coping mechanisms." Tell yourself this when things are feeling overwhelming. Here's an octopus to remind you -
8. Visualisation-
This is an old but a goody - give it a go.
9. Surf the waves
Give yourself permission to feel your feelings without judging. Surfing with the waves is much easier than battling against them. It’s OK to acknowledge how hard you are finding things. It isn’t a competition.
10. And Finally: Breathe.
Pause to take five deep breaths. Breathe in for five counts, hold for a pause and breathe out for five counts, hold for a pause. Let your breath tell your nervous system that you are relaxed and all is alright.
This whole situation is HARD. But you have survived difficult situations before. You've got this.
Kia Kaha (Be Strong)
here is a picture of a cracked coaster
xx
P
