Stress, Unmet Needs and Pain: A Complicated Cycle
- Feb 12
- 3 min read
If you live with pain then you know that stress is a trigger for you. But you also know that stress is hard to avoid and that mindfulness and meditation don’t necessarily help. That’s because stress is complicated, it is tied to our
fundamental needs, which are:
To feel safe
To feel a sense of self worth
To feel cared for
To feel a sense of control
That the world is fair
And we have purpose
This image of Manfred Max-Neef’s list includes more than this but they essentially all boil down to the above core needs.
Our body detects violations of our needs in many ways. If our response to a violation is great enough then our brain stem will initiate one of two protection responses - create pain or exhibit a coping mechanism. Sometimes the coping mechanism triggers pain. Sometimes the coping mechanism is in response to pain.
Think of an emotional situation in your past. A time that triggered big complicated feelings. You might have felt afraid, sad, dislike, embarrassment, anger or loneliness.
Try to view this situation with distance and compassion for yourself. Try to identify the thoughts that arose from the situation.
Did the situation create a sense that you felt like you were unimportant, unloved, had no control, or that the world was unfair?
Is this actually true?
No.
Does your nervous system know this?
No
Have those threat beliefs become a habit?
Maybe?
Threat beliefs tell us that we are:
In danger, trapped, vulnerable, not good enough, a burden, hopeless, don’t matter, weak, unimportant, and that there’s no point.
The problem with threat beliefs is that we act in response to a thought that we don’t even realise that we’ve had. We often turn to maladaptive protective coping mechanisms as a response. Some examples are:
To avoid an activity to feel safe.
Ignoring pain to feel safe.
To suffer in silence so as to not be a hassle.
To put up with pain to be accepted.
Or to be constantly busy to prove your self worth.
Being in Pain might be a legitimate way to get love and care.
If your pain is bad enough people around you might realise that something is wrong and help you.
Turning to experts and diets and books to feel a sense of control.
Blaming others around you for your pain in response to the unfairness of your situation.
These protective mechanisms help us to avoid discomfort. They help us to avoid feeling all of our feelings. But. They might have created some habits that are hurting us.
So. What are we to do then?
Dr Sula Windgassen encourages her chronic pain clients to practice “feeling your feelings.” This means that you should try observing your feelings and understanding their source. Have self compassion for what you really need. Rather than trying to avoid uncomfortable emotions we need to breathe through them. We need to know our coping behaviours and understand what they are trying to do for us.
Try revisiting the emotional situation from your past. Acknowledge what core needs weren’t being met then. That was wrong, that shouldn’t have happened. You are safe now. When we have interactions now that trigger that same emotion we need to think of ways to let that go. We need some emotional perspective. We need self compassion.
The same goes when we feel physical pain. If we run away from it, it won’t go away. We need to practice observing it, breathing through it and trying to let it go.
This stuff is complicated and it involves the subconscious. We are many layered and so is our pain. You may need professional assistance in helping you through this.
As an initial step:
Here’s an imagery exercise that helps us care for our inner child.
Here’s an imagery exercise encouraging us to breathe into our pain.
Here is an exercise to release these unhelpful thoughts, one threat belief at a time.
Remember: you are safe, you are worthwhile, you are loved, and your pain is not your fault.
xx
P
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